Monday, 23 June 2014

Today

The sun shines today.
The breeze is weak and leaves me wanting more.
Birds chirrup in the trees
And I wish I could see within the thick, leafy branches that protect them.

Sport is on today.
Men in black with whistles,
Or white coats and wavy arms,
Or in blazer with microphone
Keep order.
And I wish I could click my heels and be by the sea.

Life happens today.
Conversations and choices
Food and drink
Work and rest
And I wish I could hand over the reins to someone else for a while.

God is here today.
In the breath that I breathe
The words that I read
The life that is mine
And I wish.....
I wish I could know....

"TRUST ME"



Sunday, 8 June 2014

In the shadow.

I've been quite quiet on the blog lately.
You may have noticed.
Equally you may not.
It's not all about me after all.

I had thought about posting something from the Archives.
Until about 5 mins ago when I read
"Your story: What silences you?"

The truth is that my ongoing battle with depression,
or the black dog as it's affectionately known,
frequently silences me.

Not because of brain fog
Or lack of concentration
Or other symptoms of depression.
But more a sense of disappointment,
devastation,
maybe even shame,
that I'm in that place once again.

It's hard for me to accept that all the coping mechanisms I put in place:
The walking
The running
The quiet times
The trying to pace myself and not take on too much
The CBT
Have all failed me.
Again.

So here I am
Signed off sick.
Ordered to self-care
While trying to silence the voice of the enemy that says
I'm a failure.
I'm letting people down.
I'm in the wrong job.
Other people can cope, why can't I?

This is my story.
The real one.
The no-holds barred one.
The one in which the medical profession are beginning to wonder
if this is just part of my life that I have to accept.
It's been over 20yrs now after all.

Maybe you are a fellow-traveller?
Maybe there's part of your story that has been silenced?

I'm resting for now.
Resting in the shadow of the Almighty.
There's plenty of room under here.
I'm known
Loved.
Held.